Comedy Heavies At Carnival City – Free Tickets Up For Grabs!
I’ve been offered 10 tickets to the Comedy Heavies gig happening at Carnival City next weekend and am giving them away to 4 lucky people (yes, I’m keeping 2 for me monkeys) who post the best jokes in the comments section of this post by 8PM Sunday 28 June. MY decision is final… here’s the press release:
Fans of stand-up comedy are in for a night to remember when Barry Hilton, Mark Banks, Loyiso Gola, Joey Rasdien and Krijay Govender join forces with John Vlismas to present one of the heaviest comedy line-ups of the year, The Comedy Heavies, taking place at Carnival City on 3rd and 4th July. The ‘adults only’ show will deliver more laughs per minute than an election campaign.
The irreverent Vlismas promises that no punches will be pulled as his hilarious friends shower blows on sacred cows from every angle, “We are a limping democracy, wrestling with a credit crunch and facing a world cup with intermittent electricity – if you don’t laugh, you die…”The Comedy Heavies isn’t just going to be a stand up feast from the cream of comedy, but the comics have been chosen to represent the wide spectrum of comedy styles, from the legendary deadpan of Barry Hilton, to the barking mad characters of Mark Banks and the righteous anger of recently-circumcised Loyiso Gola and the ever popular Joey Rasdien. Even Krijay Govender has taken time for her crazy television schedule to appear in this remarkable production.
The Comedy Heavies is unique – no punches will be pulled, no sacred cows will be left off the braai and there will definitely be no fussing over cussing. The Comedy Heavies is for people who don’t flinch when the “f” word flies faster than airline crews taking narcotics abroad.
So to qualify for 2 free tickets for either the 3rd or 4th of July you need to be based in Jo’burg, available to collect the tickets and finally need to come up with a cool joke, post it in the comments section below and I’ll decide who wins ‘em. Good luck!
Popularity: 4% [?]
A boy watches his mum and dad having s*x. He asks, “What are you doing?” His dad replies, “Making you a brother or sister!” Boy says, “Do her doggy style I want a puppy.”
by fridgi
on 23. Jun, 2009
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
by bigric
on 23. Jun, 2009
A mommy and baby tomato are walking down the road and the baby falls behind.
The mommy goes the baby, stand on him and says – Cathup!!!!
by Yvonne Stokes
on 23. Jun, 2009
A mommy and baby tomato are walking down the road and the baby falls behind.
The mommy goes the baby, stand on him and says – Catchup!!!!
by Yvonne Stokes
on 23. Jun, 2009
[...] Random Feed wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptI’ve been offered 10 tickets to the Comedy Heavies gig happening at Carnival City next weekend and am giving them away to 4 lucky people (yes, I’m keeping 2 for me monkeys) who post the best jokes in the comments section of this post by 8PM Sunday 5 July. MY decision is final… here’s the press release: Fans of stand-up comedy are in for a night to remember when Barry Hilton, Mark Banks, Loyiso Gola, Joey Rasdien and Krijay Govender join forces with John Vlismas to present one of the heavies [...]
by Comedy Heavies At Carnival City - Free Tickets Up For Grabs!
on 23. Jun, 2009
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
by Steven
on 23. Jun, 2009
and if that isn’t good enough:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
by Steven
on 23. Jun, 2009
Peter De Villiers says:
by christof appel
on 23. Jun, 2009
you might want to make your final decision before the show ends dude…
by christof appel
on 23. Jun, 2009
Thanks for that Christof – I meant this Sunday, 28th – have changed it
by Mike
on 23. Jun, 2009
What did the penguin say when he walked into the bar?
-> Ouch
Ha ha ha i crack myself up
by Neale Forrest
on 23. Jun, 2009
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
by David
on 23. Jun, 2009
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me!
The man says: You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.
by David
on 23. Jun, 2009
These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
by David
on 24. Jun, 2009
A man met a beautiful blond lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
Scroll down
“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Vereeniging, but I worked both sides of the Vaal Dam.”
by David
on 24. Jun, 2009
Virginity Test
Two guys are discussing the intimate angles of one’s upcoming wedding in a bar over drinks.
“I’m not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not” says the one.
“Oh, there’s an easy test for that!” his buddy replies, “All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one of your balls red and the other blue. Then, on your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, ‘Those are the funniest balls I’ve ever seen!’……….
You moer her with the shovel!”
by Justin
on 24. Jun, 2009
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties…” The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, “We will never forget you.”
by Justin
on 24. Jun, 2009
What do you get when you fly Air France across the Atlantic?
Halfway.
by Shaun
on 24. Jun, 2009
After having their 11th child, a Brakpan couple decided that was enough.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children…
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy but that it was expensive. (For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a sound system, is expensive).
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Brakpan), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10! The man said :”Aag, yinne, I maait not be de cleverest oke in the wurlt, but I dussin
see how putting a cherrie borm in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me.”
“Trust me,” said the doctor…
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “Wun, twooo, freee, forrr, faaaiife,” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…
This procedure also works in: Vereeniging, Vanderbijlpark, Springs, Bronkhorstspruit, Primrose, Eastgate, Carltonville, Orkney, Randfontein, Brits, Boksburg & Veldrif.
by David
on 24. Jun, 2009
A young couple was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your pants,” she said.
“That’s right and don’t forget it,” said the husband. “I’m the man in this family.” With that, she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, “Hell, I can’t get into your panties.”
She said, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until your f**king attitude changes!”
by David
on 24. Jun, 2009
Koos is walking through the veld one day when he spots someone drinking water from a natural pond.
He shouts: “Haai, moenie daai water drink nie, dis vol beesmis en kolera!”
The other guy calls back: “I’m a visiting British Lions rugby supporter, mate, I don’t understand Afrikaans, can you speak English?”
Koos replies: “Ja! Use bofe hands, you gets more dat way.”
by Richard
on 24. Jun, 2009
An old farmer goes into hospital. Needing a daily bed bath the nurse cant help but notice that he has a tattoo on his penis. Eventually after a few days she asks him – “Oom – why has oom got “oom se oom” tattoo’d on oom se private?”
“Ag meisie” he replies, “in my younger days it used to say “Pothchesfstroom se Disselboom”…
by AB
on 24. Jun, 2009
so… Van, a Chinaman and a Frenchman are the sole survivors of a horrific plane crash. After grifting through the bodies and gathering what they can, Van takes charge. “I’ll find a spot for us to make camp I’m a boer I know how these things are done.” Efficiently he finds a clearing, sets up tents for the three of them and starts a cosy fire. The Frenchman says “Well I am from france and we know how to cook, I will organise dinner – but we will need more supplies!”. Both Van and the Frenchman look over at the Chinaman and request he go fetch some extra supplies, from the downed aircraft, for their meal.
3 hours pass, Van’s stomach is raging and the Frenchman is getting very annoyed and impatient with the wait, so they head off to find the Chinaman. Suddenly they hear a rustle in the bushes and fear the worst, the poor little man must’ve been eaten by a bear, Van loads his shotgun… and then …
The Chinaman jumps out and yells “Surprise!”.
by Nathan Wienand
on 24. Jun, 2009
Mike, you might as well go ahead and give them all to Julius Malema. We can’t compete with him
by Darren
on 25. Jun, 2009
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”
The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”
The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation.
The girlfriend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”
The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”
The little girl shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”
“Where did you learn that?”
The little girl said, “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”
by Kerri
on 28. Jun, 2009
One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs R10.”
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the R10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
by Kerri
on 28. Jun, 2009
For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the bond on this
House is R680 000.00 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way
We can afford it.”
The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door
With a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Matt told him, “I was walking past your room last night and I
Heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you
To wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m
staying here by myself with an R680 000.00 bond and no…
F**king Bike!”
by David
on 29. Jun, 2009
Sorry David – entries closed June 28th at 20:200 – so Mike – who are the fortunate recipients of your generosity ??? Please do tell so we can make our plans for the weekend ….
by AB
on 29. Jun, 2009
Ok so the lucky recipients are:
David – Old Ladies
Richard – Beesmis
Kerri – Urine sample
Nathan – Surprise!
Guys please email me at mike (at) mikestopforth (dot) com to organise your tickets!
by Mike
on 29. Jun, 2009
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl’s life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: “You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: “Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl” The man says: – “But I am not a New Yorker!” “Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: ‘Brave American saves life of little girl’” – the policeman answers. “But I am not an American!” – says the man. “Oh, what are you then? ” The man says: – “I am a Saudi !” The next day the newspapers says: “Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
by saffiya
on 30. Jun, 2009
Im already there. Super M so they call me.
by Masilo
on 04. Jul, 2009
IETS VERY GOOD SPECIAL THE ONE ( DO HER DOGGY STYLE I WANT A PUPPY ) BUT EVERY ONE IS GOOD I HAD A GOOD LAFE
by LUDWIG
on 25. Jan, 2010